Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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