She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
