Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
