Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
