my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
