Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize