Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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