I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
