Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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