I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize