I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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