ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
