I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Banned from zoo.
Again?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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