He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
