You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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