You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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