If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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