We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize