between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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