I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
