I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
