is your mom at the bar?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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