Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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