just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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