Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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