i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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