Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize