You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
