first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
