I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
