I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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