You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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