omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
