the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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