Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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