I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
