Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
