don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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