i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
