Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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