I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
