dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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