I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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