There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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