please come you make the beer taste better
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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