i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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