his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
