the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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