Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
