I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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