I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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