new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
