so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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