I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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