her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
