He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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