Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
