You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
