The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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