I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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