I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
