i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Randomize
