hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
