ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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