I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
