not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize