Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
